At the Sydney Writers' Festival outside broadcast last week, Dom Knight (presenting the Afternoons show) got author Nick Earls to put together a crowd sourced story.
We used the TFIF "Wheel of Death" to put some audience suggested topics together for Nick to incorporate into a story that had to be written and completed within the two hour window between 1-3pm.
We present to you the story of Valentine, the budgie-smuggler thief and his quest for treasure.
Hero: Valentine
Nemesis: The budgie-smuggler thief
Quest: find treasure
Words (submitted by the Sydney Writers Festival 702 broadcast audience)
Blender, rocking horse, spectacles, frog, Minecraft, Tony Abbott (who might by some be seen to make an appearance, though not by name), nose, wind, dishwasher
***
Valentine checked the old blender, but the missing pocket money wasn't there. He'd rolled it up in Dad's old red budgie smugglers, since no one would look in them. And there was no way Dad would have taken them back. Apart from that mystery stain, Mum had banned budgie smugglers in the house years ago, declaring that the household's budgies were not the world's business.
He should have been more careful. He should have pushed them all the way to the back of his undie drawer, since no one would have pulled all of his undies out to get to anything. But he'd left them close to the window, and now the window was open and the budgie smugglers - and more importantly the hoarded cash - were gone.
He didn't want to believe it was true. He must have hidden it somewhere else in the house while he was thinking about something else. That happened sometimes. And he would have put it somewhere no one would be likely to look. And no one used the old blender, not since Dad's failed attempt to make his own biodiesel.
It was down in the workshop, next to the rocking horse Dad had made from old Holden parts, but that had never been exactly rideable due to him being short of leg parts. 'You're not a finisher, Don.' Mum said that a lot. But he had some big ideas, even if they didn't all lead to something.
Valentine stuck his arm up the unfinished rocking horse leg - no budgie smugglers. More importantly, no pocket money. He'd washed an insane number of dishes for that money. It had to be found.
He had serious Minecraft commitments to fund. Mum and Dad would go halves on the books, since they were books and therefore clearly of great value, but all the game stuff took pocket money.
As usual Mum had ABC24 on when Valentine walked back through the loungeroom. He heard the politician's voice before he entered the room, the umming and aahing, the not answering the question. He didn't even mean to glance at the screen, but there they were front and almost centre - a pair of red budgie smugglers. And almost certainly loaded with pocket money. The man had a lifesavers hat on and looked ready for action, but they weren't asking him about lifesaving. Whatever they asked him about he was ducking the question. No one had asked yet - not that Valentine had heard - about the pocket money, but they guy was clearly shifty.
The only thing for Valentine to do was to get on a bus immediately, go to the beach in question and demand the cash back. It would probably be okay for the man to keep the budgie smugglers, unless he was prepared to wash them a couple of times before giving them back.
The bus came within minutes. Valentine checked the time. He was going to make it. But then, all of a sudden, the bus swerved across the road and braked suddenly. He fell off his seat. So did plenty of other people. Even the bus driver.
'It was the frog,' the bus driver said, pointing to the road. 'It just hopped out. And I'm pretty sure it's endangered.'
'Particularly if it's going to jump in front of buses,' one woman said. 'But why are we still stopped here?'
'My spectacles,' the driver said. 'Did anyone see where they went?'
Oh no! The budgie smuggler thief was going to get away with it.
Valentine was the only passenger small enough to get down on his knees and under the driver's seat and there, jammed between the driver's lunch and his esky of energy drinks, were the missing spectacles.
Some fluff got up Valentine's nose and he sneezed, dropping the glasses.
'Get on with it!' a man's voice shouted from down the back of the bus. 'I've got a dishwasher to fix.'
Valentine could have done without that. His entire pocket money and Minecraft future were at stake. That was a way bigger deal than any dishwasher. What about using the kitchen sink occasionally? He pulled the glasses out and gave them back to the driver, who started the bus again.
For the next few minutes, it continued to wind through the streets. The clock was ticking.
Valentine jumped from the bus as it stopped, and ran to the beach. The cameras had gone, but the budgie-smuggler thief hadn't. He was on his way out of the water. Valentine was just in time.
He ran towards the thief. From the look of the thief, Valentine was confident that the lost pocket money was still in the budgie smugglers though, after the swim, it seemed very reduced in amount.
'Stop thief!' Valentine shouted. 'Give me back the budgie smugglers! Actually, no. Keep them, but give me back my pocket money!'
'Nope, Nope, Nope,' the man said. 'In this economy we all have to make sacrifices.' And with that, he ran off across the sand, one hand adjusting the remaining small change in the budgie smugglers as he did so.
***
Find more writing from Nick Earls here.
